there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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