Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
