I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
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