Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
