I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
