guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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