Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
