Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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