Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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