take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
