Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Life is so much better after having sex.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
