kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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