Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
