i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
