do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
