It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
