Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Randomize
