Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
