i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
