I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
