i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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