Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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