Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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