I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
