You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
