No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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