Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
