The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
