i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
