i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
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