I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
