May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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