Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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