He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Randomize
