Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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