I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
