I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
