My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
