Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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