If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
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