Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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