Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
