I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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