Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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