I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
