Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
