Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
