i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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