Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
