He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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