my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
