trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
