I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
