Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
