The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
