I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'm passing your future prison.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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