he shaved USA in his pubs
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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