my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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