I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
