In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
