scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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